Hoosier Poker Player - Poker Quotes and Jokes

Poker Jokes

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A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. He is surprised to see a dog sitting at the table. He walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog. The dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, everything the human players were doing.

Finally the man couldn’t stand it and he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"...

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, when he gets a good hand, he wags his tail." - Submitted: October 01, 2005

"Where are you going?" demands a surprised husband. "
To Las Vegas! I hear there are men that will pay me $500 to do what I do for you for free!"

The husband scratched his head and started packing his bags. "What are you doing?" she asked...

"I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1000 a year!" - Submitted: October 01, 2005

A guy is playing poker at his clubhouse with his buddies. All of a sudden he keels over and dies. One player was chosen for the sad task of telling his wife...

As he rang the doorbell and told the wife her husband had just lost $500.00, her immediate response was, "HE SHOULD JUST DROP DEAD!"

The buddy said, "WELL, YOU GOT YOUR WISH!" - Submitted: September 20, 2005

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and American are getting ready to play poker one night. Before the game starts the American says to the English man "I bet you $100 i can get our Irish friend to get up on the roof."

The Englishman accepts the bet. The American then walks over to the Irishman and sure enough he runs outside and gets up on the roof.
The Englishman quickly asks what did you tell him? The American replys...

The Englishman quickly asks what did you tell him? The American replys "The drinks are on the house" - Submitted: September 20, 2005

Q: What did the giraffe say to the leopard at the poker table?

A: I thought you were a cheetah. - Submitted: September 04, 2005

A beautiful woman walks into a poker room and sits down to play. After a long silence one of the guys at the table says "Have I seen you here before, you look familiar..."

The beautiful woman says " Probably, I have heard that before" - Submitted: August 18, 2005

A busty blonde sat down at a table in a Las Vegas casino. "I hope you don't mind," she said, "but I play better when I'm naked." She then proceeded to undress. On the very first hand, after some heavy betting, she was head's-up in a monster pot. After the dealer turned over the river card, she flipped her hand over, jumped out of her seat and started screaming, "I won! I won! I won!" The dealer, flustered, pushed her the pot. "What'd she have?" the loser asked the dealer...

"I don't know," the dealer said. "I thought YOU were watching." - Submitted: August 18, 2005

Nicky OD was playing 10-20 hold'em and was stuck about 300 dollars when he looked down beside the table and saw a little green leprechaun.
"Quit playing poker forever right now and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars.", said the little fellow...

Nicky replies, "Let me get even first." - Submitted: August 18, 2005

A man comes home very late from a poker game. His wife is standing at the door waiting for him with a rolling pin in her hand. Before she has a chance to say or do anything he says. "honey u have to pack, I lost u in a Poker Game "...

She says "how in the world did you do that". He says "It was really really hard...I had to fold a royal flush." - Submitted: August 18, 2005

Q: How do you get a professional poker player off your front porch?

A: Pay him for the pizza. - Submitted: August 04, 2005

Q: What's the difference between a professional poker player and a large pepperoni pizza?

A: The pizza can feed a family of four. - Submitted: August 04, 2005

I was playing poker with tarot cards the other night...

I got a full house, and four people died. - Submitted: August 04, 2005

What is the difference between a poker player and a dog?

In about ten years the dog quits whining. - Submitted: August 04, 2005

AK = Anna Kournikova...

Always looks Great. Never wins. - Submitted: August 04, 2005

A man walks into a casino to play some blackjack , he sees a blonde women at the coke machine with a bag full of coke that she had bought and she was still buying more, so the man thought nothing of it and went back to playing blackjack. After 10 minutes of playing blackjack he goes to the toilet. On his way he sees the blonde women still at the machine with 4 bags full of coke cans and still buying more, so he asks the blonde women; "What are you doing?"

She replies "DUH, Im winning" - Submitted: July 21, 2005

The image you present at a poker table in your local casino is determined by what you say as much as how you play. Some key phrases to avoid at holdem tables:

1) "Hey, at my regular table upstairs, we get three cards dealt to us."
2) "This one time, in a freeroll..."
3) "Dealer, hold on! One of these cards should be face up, no?"
4) "Sir, you already checked. I'm darn sure you're not allowed to raise now."
5) "Call"
Submitted: July 21, 2005

A man was walking down the street when a dirty sad streetperson approached him asking for change.
"Are you gonna spend this money on booze" he asks before giving him any money.
"No sir, I don't drink," says the homeless man.
"What about blowing it on cigars or fancy women?"
"No sir, I don't smoke, and my wife and two kids are in the homeless shelter."
"Well, are you going to gamble it away?" the man asks.

"Oh, no sir, I never gamble."

The man thinks for a moment, and then says, "In that case, would you come home with me? I want to show my wife what happens to a man who doesn't drink, smoke womanize or gamble." Submitted: November 18, 2005

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.

The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and gargles. Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She spits into a commode and she gets in! Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are. Submitted: August 28, 2006

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly, the sky clouded above his head and,in a booming voice,the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports to the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?" Submitted: August 28, 2006

Q: What are a Man's three favorite games?

Checker, Chess, and Poker. (If you didn't get it say it quickly to yourself). Submitted: August 28, 2006

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